yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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