I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
