Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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