So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
