Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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