Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
