Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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