First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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