Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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