Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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