also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I need to stop coming to work sober
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
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Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
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The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Randomize