Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
