Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
