Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
