I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
