My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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