At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
