We named our party play list daddy issues
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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