Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
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