I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
