true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
