just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
