trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
