now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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