im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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