god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
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