chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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