When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
