When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
