Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
