The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
