i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Randomize
