Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
