a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
