I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
