Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
we're making bets on your personal life
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
