ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
