4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
