Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
