I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
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