Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
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i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
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Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.