we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
These 25 Women First Experienced Sexual Harassment At A Shocking Age
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.