Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Randomize
