saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
worst night to have a conscience
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
