90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Randomize
