it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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