I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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