my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
