You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
