It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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