so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
