Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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