Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
