Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
