Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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