My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
