i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
