in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
