I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
