I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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