I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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