I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Randomize
