He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
