I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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