I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I believe in your delicious
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
