Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
