Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
