I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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